


why do i love you

by hrtbnr



Series: still care about mixtapes [1]
Category: Cow Chop
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Fake Chop, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 20:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13982679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hrtbnr/pseuds/hrtbnr
Summary: something has gone very wrong. a prompt fill!





	why do i love you

_“Tell me.”_

A minute ago they were holding each other but now James is slack in his arms, head resting on Aleks’ shoulder.  He’s difficult to keep sitting up - Aleks doesn’t want to think _dead weight_ , but that’s what it feels like. Jaw shaking as he presses his face to James’ neck, Aleks’ hands shaking too, almost useless, one wrapped around James’ shoulder and the other pressing against his belly.

He can’t _stop_ it _._ There’s blood all over his hand and soaking through his own shirt and into his lap. It’s warm and getting sticky as James’ skin gets cold and clammy, and he says it again, softly against Aleks, “Tell me.”

Telling James will feel like admitting he’s not getting out of this alive.  That he’s dying in Aleks’ arms and there’s nothing he can do about it. He can’t stop the blood pouring out of his gut or the way his heart is slowing, pressed right up against Aleks’, beating wildly, desperately, as if it can carry the both of them.  

“ _Why do I love you?”_  he repeats brokenly, scrabbling at James’ back and lifting him up again. Trying to get him closer. “I don’t know, James. I don’t know, you fuck. _I don’t know._ ”

James makes a sound that would’ve been a full belly-laugh.  He can’t manage it, but Aleks still hears it and hits him like music.

“Because - ‘cause.” There’s no _air_ between them and Aleks is burning alive. His eyes and lungs and the places where James’ body is touching his.  “I like making you laugh. I - I feel _realer_ when you look at me. Because you’re the only one I ever see, James, you’re the only one, the only one ever in the room.”

He’s crying against James’ neck and shoulder, all tears and snot and gasping breaths, and when he brings both his hands up, to take James’ face between them, to push him back to look at him, everything gets red from the blood.  There aren’t tears in James’ eyes, and if Aleks doesn’t look away from them he could almost pretend they’re only heavy because James is tired. Because it’s time for him to go to sleep.

“We laughed a lot,” James breathes softly.

It’s his last one, Aleks knows it, can feel it, so he catches it between them and presses his mouth to James’ like he could breathe it back into him.  

Aleks slumps backward and takes James with him; holding him tighter, hugging him closer.  He keeps bleeding even though his heart is still, his face warm when Aleks’ presses his cheek to him, he’s still _James_ , still _his_ , the only one in the room.  Cradling the back of his head, Aleks’ voice is wet and hoarse and barely a whisper.  Maybe he’s not speaking at all. Maybe, if they’re very, very lucky, James can still hear him.  Although that seems unlikely.

_Because, because._

And he tells him, and tells him, and holds him, and keeps going even after Brett finds them.

“He’s still mine,” Aleks says, and Brett tells him he knows, gently uncurling Aleks’ blood-crusted fingers from James’ hair.


End file.
